by Nick Beard

January 28, 2018


Move over, Oprah and Trump. We have a new contender in town.

The impossibly cool and collected Night King has (silently of course) announced his intentions to run for president in 2020, hot off the heels of the final season of Game of Thrones, in which he will also play an integral role.

With the help of his favorite frienemy, Bran Stark, The Night King promises the following in his first 100 days in office:

  • Don’t let his blue skin fool you. He hates both Republicans and Democrats equally and vows to have them all brutally murdered by an army of loyal zombies.
  • Destroy the wall with the help of his newly recruited undead dragon. Mexico will be paid back in full… and then murdered by an army of ever-growing loyal zombies.
  • Instead of kissing babies, he promises to touch their tender little faces and ascend them into eternal ice wizards.
  • Make the javelin throw a nationally televised sport.
  • Stare into your soul for an uncomfortably long period of time.
  • Raise his arms slowly and dramatically — while also raising more dead for his campaign.
  • Get a 5-star manicure.

The Night King also wishes his future undead followers to know that he is not Bran Stark and that he is not in love with either Jon Snow or The Silver Dragon Lady, though he has grown quite fond of Viserion, who he plans to ride into victory during the long campaign months that lead up to the election.

Vote Night King 2020. He has yet to announce a running mate but experts expect him to resurrect and name Jesus.

Yes, that Jesus.

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