by Brianne Grianne O’Bannahan Esq.

January 24, 2018

UW

We’ve seen smart phones, glasses, speakers and televisions before. Those are as common as sand on a beach, but smart underwear? Leave it to Apple, folks, to introduce the world’s first revolutionary pair of smart unmentionables — and they are hitting shelves sooner than you think.

Apple calls their groundbreaking underwear the iBottoms. A pair of these mighty drawers features up to 1TB of hard drive space, a USB port, Hotspot capability, air conditioning and/or heating depending on your needs and bluetooth connection to the AirPods that will finally leave backordered status sometime around Fall 2019. The iBottoms also feature a proprietary self-cleaning technology and will alert the wearer when he or she has worn them too long by zapping a genital-awakening 25 volts of electricity into your skin.

The underwear also ships with Netflix, YouTube, Twitch and a subscription to Oprah’s Favorite Things Club.

The iBottoms will be available to pre-order on February 1, 2018 and should start shipping out about the same time Trump is up for re-election. They are available in men’s and women’s and a variety of ugly colors and textures, including a limited edition gold plated version for $5,000 (only 1,000 of these will be made). The basic edition will start at $199.

Better get in line tonight.

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