By Brianne Grianne O’Bannahan Esq.

January 17, 2018

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For anyone looking to shed pounds fast and prepare that sizzling beach bod for Spring Break in record time without expensive pills and messy surgery, there’s a new fad diet sweeping the nation, affectionately called “The Urban Diet” by the program’s creator, Chad Wellington Junior, a successful stockbroker and computer programmer.

The diet calls for one live rat or pigeon for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and two live rats or pigeons for dinner.

“I created the diet out of frustration mostly. I needed something that I identified with  and fit my fast-paced busy lifestyle. There just wasn’t anything out there that worked long term and who wants to meal plan and eat chicken, broccoli and brown rice all day, am I right?” Chad said, beaming with pride over his system. “But don’t take my word for it, check out what some of the people who have tried my diet have to say about it.”

I did just that.

“It’s great and so super simple! I just coax a couple of pigeons with some bread while I wait on the train platform, slip one in my bag for later and eat one right then and there,” one dieter said. “I’ve been doing it for four weeks now and the pounds have just melted off!”

She died two weeks later of Histoplasmosis.

Another dieter had this to say: “I’ve had crippling diarrhea and blood running from my nose and eyes for a couple of days but other than that I’ve never felt better! My energy is up and I can focus more effectively and so far I’ve lost 10 pounds. It’s the best diet I’ve ever been on.”

I asked Chad what he thought the best part of the diet was, what set it apart from other fad diets.

“I’m mixing the ancient art of the hunter male with simple, hearty protein that we city dwellers take for granted. There are pigeons and rats everywhere in the subways and on the streets and train platforms. It’s our duty to cull the herd and use them for our nutritional benefit. I usually prefer to skulk in subway tubes and hunt the weakest, slowest, sickest rats to ensure a tidy kill. I also find that they taste much better, more rewarding — and I get a ton of exercise chasing these animals down.”

 

 

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